she looked like the before picture.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My ATM looks so different sober.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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