she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
