what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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