Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There r osticjed everywhere
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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