She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
