Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
