He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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