I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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