I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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