Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
