You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
