I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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