Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
