apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
