giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
