So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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