Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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