I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
