Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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