I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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