i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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