I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Your cock deserves a montage
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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