I wish my penis had an off switch
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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