I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
