Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
