there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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