Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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