Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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