I wish I only lived at night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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