If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
