i need an iv and a liver transplant
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
