I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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