I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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