I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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