i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
