Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
