I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
