mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Boobs speak an international language.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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