I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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