4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
