I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.