I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
