tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
