How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
ttyl tear gas
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
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That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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