Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
