Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
