I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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