worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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