He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
