apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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