Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
