24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
