i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
