i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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